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April 1, 2015

Researchers DO NOT Fool Around with Big Data, IoT, and Mobile

Researchers at Harvard University today unveiled a revolutionary new storage appliance that will be the last big data repository you will ever need. Meanwhile, a California IoT startup showcased how it’s leveraging the power of event-driven analytics to build the instrumented toilet.

The FAS Research Computing division of Harvard University today rolled out DevNull, a big data storage device powered by the groundbreaking NoContent Addressable and WriteOnly filesystem (NoCAWA FS). Running at 1 billion I/O write operations per second and boasting 1 Terabit of bisectional bandwidth, DevNull system is able to keep up with even the most complex of Big Data challenges, the university says.

“Due to the vast amount of big data that has no significant value or impact on humanity, for example, tweets, Facebook posts and other social media ramblings, we have architected an end-to-end solution for all your big data needs,” the university says in its totally 100 percent real press announcement.

FAS expects to launch DevNull at a price point of $100 per TB of data. “Because the file system is write only, your worries of having to ever read the data back are immediately eliminated,” the university says. “Given we have solved half of the problem, we can immediately pass the other 50% of the problem as direct financial savings right back to you the researcher.”

Meanwhile, in Mountain View, the IoT software outfit WSO2 today announced the debut of Connected Bathroom Manager, an enterprise solution designed to enforce comprehensive “swipe before you wipe” policies.WSO2 CBM Sensor Layout Final

“By harnessing the Internet of Things and the power of event-driven analytics, WSO2 CBM offers an integrated, comprehensive solution for intelligent bathroom management,” says Dr. Sanjiva Weerawarana, WSO2 founder, CEO and chief architect. “Now using WSO2 CBM, an enterprise’s Chief Bathroom Officer and Bathroom Operations Group members can monitor usage and take suitable preventive, evasive and corrective action as the situation demands.”

Connected Bathroom Manager features include:

  • Bathroom Count Down (BCD) provides a series of warning beeps when users are 20 seconds from reaching the average bathroom use time, facilitating compliance.
  • Wi-Fi Lock (WFL) automatically blocks Wi-Fi access when users exceed the established bathroom usage time.
  • Real-Time Urinalysis (RTU) captures a video of the urine stream and applies numerous patent-pending feature detection algorithms to isolate its chemical content, providing truly integrated corporate drug testing.
  • Methane Monitor & Mitigation (MMM) measures the presence of methane and, when thresholds are reached, triggers the release of air freshener.MS Mobile

Up in Redmond, Washington, software giant Microsoft unleashed its latest plan to take over the mobile world: MS-DOS Mobile. Matching the “monochromatic milestone” of MS-DOS with today’s high-powered smartphones is a match made in heaven, says Microsoft’s Daniel Glass, who led the design of the project.

“Turning our back on graphics was hugely liberating,” Glass says. “We’ve dropped the resolution, and in doing so re-discovered our roots.”

Back down in Cupertino, anticipation was building for Apple‘s latest tech gadget: the iEye. Inspired by Google’s Glass, the Apple iEye reportedly will allow its wearers to interact with the network by using various eye movements.

Navigation is second nature, we’re told: “Simply blink once to select an app, conduct a triple eye twitch to exit an app, and roll your eye up and to the left for 12 seconds (only white showing) to activate the camera lens,” the company says.Apple iEye

“This isn’t just some patch you wear,” said Apple’s CEO Tim Cook. “It’s a device you cover up your entire eye with.” Among the features that are expected to be in iEye:

  • Iris: Same letters as Siri, but even more helpful.
  • Real Retina Display: Like… literally.
  • EyeRoll: Revolutionary new navigation technology (sans sarcasm).
  • Sleep Mode: Simply close your eye to power down and open your eye to power back up.
  • iContact: Stay in touch with loved ones and keep the focus… on what’s important.
  • PinkEye: Rose-tinted filter for photos. Share PinkEye with your friends and family!
  • TearDrop: Receive notifications in the form of a single tear that rolls down your cheek.

Not to be outdone, a group of fitness enthusiasts have come together to ensure that Google‘s Project Loon succeeds. Loon, of course, is Google’s completely real plan to bathe the earth in a mesh of Wi-Fi and LTE connectivity by attaching radio transmitters to high-altitude balloons.

The only problem with this plan: getting all balloons to reach the optimal altitude of 20km at exactly the same time can only be accomplished, apparently, if the world stopped its revolution for a fraction of a second.

That’s when the folks at the Google X lab reportedly reached out to Joe De Sena, creator of the Spartan Race. De Sena wrangled thousands of fitness enthusiasts to jump at exactly the same time, thereby stopping the earth and enabling Google to launch Loon.

“We could have stopped the world a little longer if Google needed it, but they only asked for a fraction of a second,” De Sena said. “We’re glad we could help.”

Not to be outdone, Google made a major announcement of its own today. “People tell us they love their Chromebooks. Yet, you have to use a trackpad, type URLs and Search queries using a keyboard, and click on links,” Google announced today in a totally factually accurate blog post.

Instead of wasting an estimated 5 calories of energy per day clicking buttons on a computer, a rogue team of Google engineers “set out to solve one of mankind’s top problems and re-rethink computing.” The result? Self-browing Chromebooks!chromebooks

The possibilities of a Self-Browsing Chromebook are endless, and include:

  • Planning your summer vacation to Qikiqtarjuaq
  • Falling in love using your new automated online dating profile
  • Writing this blog post
  • Earning high scores in every online game
  • And posting random status updates 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

If you think that developers may have too much time on their hands–on this date, or any other–you may appreciate the latest poll from Evans Data Corp., which found that 35 percent of developers would consider marrying a robot.

“Marrying a robot might be an ideal marital solution for an unattached developer,” said Janel Garvin, CEO of Evans Data Corp. “By nature they would be logical, even tempered, and as smart as the database they have access to. It sounds perfect!”

At so many levels.